New Beginnings ?

Someone said to me today "I now understand what people mean when they say they have a heavy heart". My understanding of that phrase has become all to real in the past days. The distant understanding ..Hundreds of thousands dead in an instant ...A wall of water washing away all that was in its path...The intimate...A 19 year old woman with her future taking flight gone in an instant...Unable to breathe, unable to usher in the time of new beginnings . I do not embrace these feelings , death has always scared me . Not in the sense of my own fear of dying but the death of others. The not knowing what to say, what to do. I ran from my father's death, my mother's and I still have not grieved for my brother who left this world with my anger clinging to him like static on a polyester blanket... Too familiar is this feeling ...Of fear ...So many things leave that taste in my mouth...I don't know why, I'm afraid to examine it. Tonight we had a memorial service for that 19 year old woman. Led by other 16, 17, and 19 year olds . Many tears were shed and words spoken through those tears. All without fear or if it was present it was shoved aside for that moment of remembrance of a life lived without it. One by one they spoke ..Friends , lovers , family... Their created family of young queer folks of many colors..Remembering the good times and the not so good but remembering a life lived with courage ..Spoken about with courageous words...Death will certainly always scare me..Whether it is that distant unfathomable death of thousands or the intimate death that makes your heart heavy...Someday I will not be afraid... or not.